And so far, my life has been filled with the most intense momentum, constantly thrusting me forward to the next milestone. I guess you can say I've lead a very tumultuous life with many ups and downs. From being diagnosed with OCD, to being hospitalized for excessive anxiety, to then dealing with the death of my daughter's biological father- I always seem to be caught in the eye of the storm. As far as these milestones go? I graduated college at 21, graduate school by 22, had my first child at 23, established a career at 24, bought my first home at 25, was engaged by 26, married at 27, had my second child at 28, and up-sized my home at 29.
Now, at 31, I've accomplished "The American Dream"- I am a career oriented, married woman, living on Long Island with my son and daughter in my house with the white picket fence. But, I'm only 31. So,...
This is a question I ask myself daily, and I struggle to find an answer that makes me feel I will continue to receive the momentum my life has afforded me up until this point. People, both married and single, tell me, "Now you watch your children grow up." What? That's it? Now I sit back and just watch life happen all around me? No more crazy momentum? It just can't be! I can't accept that!
Don't get me wrong, I love my children more than anything in the world and I'm grateful for all of the blessings bestowed upon me, I just can't help but to want my next big thing. I guess you can say I'm a type of junkie, always needing to get high on my next big fix of life. I think that is what I envy most about younger, single people. The fact that they still have the momentum, that thrust in life that is just so invigorating you can't wait until the next big adventure. I'm envious of those who have these huge milestones to still accomplish.
I feel as though I've lived my life and I'm ONLY 31. I have a daily routine. I pretty much know what and who I will be for the next 50 YEARS and my God, that scares me! I need adventure, and uncertainty, and momentum, not ROUTINE. As long as I can have adventure after adventure and milestone after milestone, I will be a satisfied person. Maybe that's the junkie in me or maybe it's me wanting to keep life constantly moving because a stand-still bores me. I don't know. All I do know is that everyone who still has great milestones yet to be achieved? Those are the people I envy- whether they be older or younger, single or married- it doesn't matter. I envy the uncertainty. I envy the fact that those people will get more big highs coming their way.
As I search for my next high, I start to realize how other adrenaline junkies like Angelina Jolie get their fix; they keep having children.
People ridicule her for it, but for some of us who have lived on the edge our whole lives and really don't know anything else, and then have been forced to slow down our lifestyles? It's the only way to provide a good life for our children while still getting that joy of life we crave- bringing new life into this world. I can't just simply start a new career or a new relationship without my family suffering from my impulsive decisions, so, how do I keep things fresh? I have another child.
Like Angelina, I was never like the other girls. While they were picking out their prom dresses, I was picking out my tattoos (and not in a bullshit, trendy way.) I don't even know where to start with going to brunch and hanging out with the girls- I've never been that kind of girl. But, I am a good mother. It might have slowed my life down to some extent but it's still the one thing left that gives me that rush- in fact, it probably gave me that rush greater than any of my other antics ever did before. I'm not afraid to continue having children because motherhood is an awfully big adventure unto itself-and I'm ready for it...
...Again and again.