~First to be engaged.
~First to marry.
~First to move out of state.
~First to have a child.
~First to have multiple children.
In a short amount of time I have had my share of firsts. All of these milestones have a special place in my heart and soul, as well as shaped me into the person I am today .
But is being first always the best?
Growing up I had a close knit group of friends - some of which I have been friends with since kindergarten, in perspective friends for 25 years.The friends I have made in high school and I have been friends for 15 years. Those are long friendships, with shadings of ups, downs, happy times and sad times- as well as sharing firsts. First school dance. First failing grade . First road test. First car. First day of high school/college. But out of all these firsts we have shared together - I feel as if I am now finally on a different wave length than my long time friends .
None of my close friends are married , nor have kids. Here I stand married for 7 years, with 3 kids . And we have all hit our 30's together - another first . But as I type this essay I begin to wonder ... am a jealous of their "freedom?" Am I jealous of their impromptu vacations , nights out , frivolous spending of money because every move I make now must be planned , coordinated , and budgeted? Am I the first to feel "old"? Surely I don't look "old", as I still get carded to buy alcohol or get questioning looks from little old ladies when I take my three children out. Was I the first to "grow up?" I am a grown up. For my responsibility now rests in the hands of my children . The over arching, and scary question looming above is;
"Am I the first to lose who I am as a person- to become mundane , boring and bland?"
I think I haven't lost the person I was before marriage and kids. I still look for the adventure, the new discoveries and the freedom to do what excites me- I just do it now with my new entourage. Just because I can't go to a club- which I would have never went to when I was "younger ", or go to some neon crazed concert , doesn't define me As "old." I think of myself as a mature soul who still thirsts for youth and new experiences- just like everyone else my age. Some one who still has the spark - and that spark is ignited by my children and husband, as well as everything else around me . It's not a front or a persona I put on for the world , because honestly who has time for that ? It's who I am .
So, with full conviction I can proudly state I am the first to be true to myself - and being first isn't so bad after all.